Nighttime confessions: repeating pattern and feeling of contradiction

[zainalara]

I'm so happy to meet you. I decided to post here to move forward a little in my life; it's getting better and better, but I still feel like I'm "suffering" my sexuality rather than living it—at least, most of the time. I hope my story doesn't seem too dark or too edgy. To be honest, I've struggled with these issues: obsessive anxiety, chronic depression... But today I feel much stronger: I've been in this mess for years and I still don't understand anything, so I might as well laugh about it. I'll try not to be too long, but I can't guarantee anything. To cut a long story short, I find my case totally incoherent.

It all started when I was around 13 or 14. Around me, people were talking more and more about homosexuality, because that's the age when some people reveal their preferences. Little by little, an anxiety crept into me: what if I were a lesbian? At the time, nothing could indicate the plausibility of such a hypothesis: I was regularly attracted to boys, and only boys. But, far from being calmed, my internalized homophobia (let's call a spade a spade) only increased and took on disproportionate proportions. I began to think that if I was anxious, it was because there was something, a latent homosexuality; I looked at girls to check that the sight of them didn't provoke any physiological effects in me. But nothing could reassure me for long - and, when I wasn't afraid of being a lesbian, I was afraid of becoming one later. In hindsight, I ended up thinking that all this resembled OCD (which is likely because I had a history of it). But I can't be sure.

However, the anxiety calmed down the following year, because I met a boy I really liked. Everything was beautiful, he said he loved me too, and I was in love. But after a few weeks, he was giving me a hard time and playing with my emotions. He was a toxic person, and I painfully left him so he would stop making me suffer. Before that, I had two short relationships with boys who had abandoned me like dirt.

[Bixy]

Bonjour, merci pour ton témoignage mais nous sommes sur un forum francophone uniquement. Je t'invite à te tourner vers des sites anglophones. Bon courage dans tes questionnements.

Hello, thank you for your testimony but we are on a French forum only. I invite you to turn to English-speaking sites. Good luck in your questions.